How to Talk About Sex Toys With Your Partner

Most people think of sex toys as something they use alone. But the truth is that sex toys are great for relationships. They enhance your sex life, increase intimacy, and make sex and pleasure better for you both.

But talking about sex toys with your partner isn’t always easy, either. You don’t know how they’ll react or if they’ll be willing to give it a try. If this is you, here are some ideas on how to talk about it with your partner.

Find the Right Time to Talk

Timing is everything. In the middle of a stressful day or when they’re distracted isn’t the right time. You might want to bring it up in a post-sex cuddle or while you eat a post-sex snack. Another option is to set a time to talk about it. Say something like, “There’s something I’d really like to talk to you about. When would be good for you?”

If they look worried, let them know it’s nothing bad, and could be great for both of you!

Reassure Your Partner This Isn’t About Them

For some people, sex toys are seen as a statement about their sexual abilities. They think a sex toy is a replacement for them or that they’re not satisfying you. Make it clear that you enjoy what you do with your partner (as long as that’s true). Let them know sex toys enhance pleasure and are a tool to create new sensations. Point out that they can benefit from sex toys and feel new kinds of pleasure too.

Talk About the Fun

They’re called “toys” for a reason, right? You’re supposed to play and have fun! Whether it’s squirting orgasms or longer sex, point out the positives of what a sex toy might do for you both. Try something like, “You know how you love it when I have multiple orgasms, but it doesn’t always happen? This vibrator can do that, and then we can have even more fun while I come.”

Before you have this conversation, think about what excites your partner during sex so you can appeal to their sense of fun.

Offer to Demonstrate

Some people really love to watch their partner masturbate. If this is your partner, offer to demonstrate how a sex toy could be applied to your sex life. And yes, let them watch you get off. It might feel awkward at first, but if your partner is really into it, it’s easier to let yourself go and focus on the sensations. That might be all the convincing they need.

Focus on the Pleasure

The point of sex toys is to add pleasure, so focus on that. Think about what really gets your partner off — a firm grip, hard penetration, focused attention on certain body parts. There are sex toys that can provide all that, so when you’re having this discussion, talk about the pleasure they’ll feel, too. Even if your main reason for wanting to bring a sex toy to bed is to guarantee your own orgasm (a good reason!), make sure your partner understands what’s in it for them, too.

Listen to Your Partner

It’s not enough to start the conversation and tell your partner what you want (though that’s very important). You also need to listen to your partner, too. They may have had bad experiences in the past or have concerns. In order to make an informed decision, they may have questions. Answer what you can and look up what you don’t know. This is a process so even if they’re not as enthusiastic as you are right now, with time, they may be ready to try it with you. Be patient with them.

Shop Together

Shop TogetherAs part of the discussion, shop for a new sex toy together. This gives you both a chance to think about what you both want and need. You’ll be able to discuss the features and what you think it will feel like. You may buy one sex toy to try together or you may buy multiple toys (one for you and one for them). What matters most is that you use this opportunity to keep the discussion going and help your partner feel like they’re a part of the process.


Bringing up something new or different about your sex life makes people very nervous. You’re not always sure how your partner will react or if they’ll get upset. None of us want to be judged because of the sexual pleasure we want and need. Many times, especially in good, solid relationships, your partner may surprise you by being open to the idea. But until you know how they’ll respond to your desire to add sex toys to your sex life, it’s important to communicate openly and clearly while listening to their concerns and being patient.

Have you talked to your partner about sex toys yet? Let us know down in the comments!

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