We all deserve to enjoy pleasure in our sexual endeavours, and it’s pretty normal to want that pleasure to last longer. If you experience premature ejaculation, you may feel as though you come too quickly and that it feels completely out of your control. Not only does this pesky issue cause worry for you, it can also become a concern for your partner/s. If you do experience difficulties with premature ejaculation, you may feel the need to meet grand expectations in the bedroom.
The rise and fall of the penis
Before we dive into this topic any further, it is important to look at how quickly the average man takes to come during penetrative sex. Men and penis owners take an average of 5.4 minutes to come when they are engaging in partnered sex. Men that are worried about coming too quickly may last for 1 to 2 minutes max during continuous penetration.
The science of coming
Your orgasm is achieved in four phases:
- Excitement and arousal
- A plateau
- Increase in arousal to the point of orgasm and release
- Resolution (returning to a baseline)
An average sexual response cycle for all humans looks a little more like the first graphic in the picture below. The arrow along the bottom axis shows how long it takes to have sex. The numbers reflect the four phases in the sexual response cycle. The first graph in the image below shows a slower excitement/ arousal and an extended plateau phase before the orgasm. This takes about 5 minutes to achieve. The second graph in the image below has a very sharp arousal phase, and brief plateau phase before rapidly coming.
Types of premature ejaculation
Premature ejaculation can either be lifelong or acquired. They both result in coming too quickly and feeling worried about your performance in the bedroom.
Lifelong premature ejaculation may be the result of a physiological issue impacting on your ability to delay coming. If this is you, you may have previously felt embarrassed or belittled during sex. If this is the case, avoiding sex or coming quickly may be an attempt to protect you from feeling like a bad lover.
Acquired premature ejaculation is less common in men. Men and penis owners that have acquired premature ejaculation have likely had a healthy sex life in the past, with little concerns around this. You may feel confused about why this has started, and it could be due to changes in your physical such as an injury or overactive pelvic floor, or your psychological health. Stress within a relationship may also contribute to a sudden change in your sexual response cycle by becoming shorter – so you come faster.
Get out of your head
If you do not last long in bed, there is a chance you are in your mind instead of being in your body during sex. You are focused on how you should be performing, worried you are about to come, and wondering if your partner even likes this? If this sounds like you, these thoughts may be making it worse.
When you think like this, you are not aware of any good sensations in the body. And honestly, it is a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you are focused on how you perform in the bedroom and feel like you aren’t enough of a “man”, there is help out there for you.
Connect to a sexpert
Find yourself a sexologist, sex therapist or counsellor who can support you and treat premature ejaculation. These experts will help to identify unhelpful thoughts that enter your mind leading up to, and during sex. They will use a talk-based approach to explore your sexual history and your current sex habits. They will have questions about your attitudes on sexuality, the role you take in the bedroom, if you watch porn, your definition of a man/ penis owner, what sex is meant to look like and what makes a good relationship. Essentially, a sexologist is like an investigator trying to understand how this issue developed for you and offer solutions.
Desensitising the penis
Desensitising the penis is a helpful strategy in the management of premature ejaculation. The Tenga Flip is a masturbation device that has been found to extend the length of time you feel aroused and excited during sex before you reach the big-O. The Tenga Flip simulates the sensation of penetrative sex. Use this sex toy to help build up sexual stamina when you masturbate. Practicing this away from your partner may reduce anxiety about pleasing them, and instead, encourage you to focus on your body. You may also like to incorporate a desensitising gel which can simply by applied 15 minutes before sex to the penis. Additionally, using a delay condom can be used with or without the gel, and used during solo practice and with a partner.
Prioritise your partner and relationship
Being a sexologist, I would recommend to build on trust, playfulness and conversation outside of the bedroom in a way that still promotes some flirtatiousness such as Date Nights Personal Questions Game. Prioritise spending time together that is not focused on having sex as this can help you to find new ways of connecting and finding intimacy.
Read more: What is a sexologist?
When you are ready to move to the bedroom, consider ways you can build up excitement without touching the penis. Reducing direct genital stimulation with the help of A Year of Karma Sutra game, offers opportunities to explore non-penetrative sex. And if you do fancy the Kama Sutra game, I suggest adding some massage oil and a blindfold. These can be used in two ways:
- Use them on your partner. Massaging your partner will redirect your focus away from how worried you are about your penis and toward your partner’s body and pleasure. Take some time to experience your partner’s body and see how you react. If you notice you are turned on and hard, congratulations…you are in the excitement and aroused phase. Continue providing pleasure to your partner without stimulating yourself.
- Your partner blind folds and massages you. The massage won’t provide touch to the penis but rather will focus on the rest of your body. This experience should encourage you to feel all the good sensations in your body with the excitement of not knowing what is next.
To learn more on premature ejaculation please stay tuned for this sexologist’s next article!