How to Reduce Shame So More Men Feel Comfortable Using Sex Toys

Sex toys for men are definitely widely available and more men than ever buy sex toys. But shame still persists for many guys. They’re afraid of what sex toys say about their virility, masculinity, and even their sexuality. Most of this is the fault of poor (or no) sex education and the myths about what a guy’s role in sex and pleasure are.

If shame keeps you or your partner from exploring sex toys, here are some ways to reduce those feelings.

Talk About It

Talk About ItFor guys who use sex toys, finding places — online or with certain friends — to talk about it helps normalize what you’re doing. For people in relationships, bring up the topic as often as possible. Talking about sex toys that you use alone or want to use together makes the topic immediately less taboo and not something that needs to be hidden. Depending on what works for you, this can be a simple conversation over coffee or something you bring up when you’re both naked, relaxed, and turned on.

Make Masturbation Normal in Relationships

Guys, in or out of relationships, often still masturbate. So do many women. But if no one’s talking about it, it can become a taboo topic. Since sex toys are common in masturbation, this is a chance to normalize two sources of unnecessary shame — sex toys and getting yourself off. No one person can meet all of our sexual needs, and that’s okay. By making masturbation commonplace in a relationship, you reduce half the shame surrounding sex toys for a lot of guys.

They’re Enhancements Not Replacements

For some men, knowing their partner uses a sex toy is the biggest problem. They worry it means they’re not doing a good job satisfying their partner. They see sex toys as the enemy or a replacement. While we can always improve our sexual skills, sex toys don’t automatically replace a bad lover. They enhance forms of pleasure that tongues, lips, hands, and penises cannot provide alone, and that’s okay. This is why it’s so important that using sex toys and masturbating within relationships gets talked about more often.

Use Sex Toys Together

Once you see how your sexual skills can work together with a sex toy, there’s a lot less to fear or worry about. Guys, if your partner regularly uses sex toys — a vibrator, a dildo, anal toys, whatever — ask if you can try it together. This can make the conversation about playing with your own toys much easier, too. Watching the pleasure your partner gets from the way you touch them AND their sex toy might give you the confidence to see sex toys as what they really are — tools of pleasure.

Let Yourself Get Turned On

Okay, so you’re willing to try a sex toy, but you’re freaking out about what it means and if anyone will find out about it. First of all, ordering online is the easiest way to keep things completely private. Good online sex stores ship discreetly so not even your mail carrier knows what you ordered. Now that you’ve taken that massive first step, let yourself play with your new sex toy. Many times arousal is strong enough to overcome our inhibitions and fears. Once you know how your new sex toy feels, you may be less worried about what using it “means.”

By the way, using a sex toy means you want sexual pleasure and stimulation. Nothing more, nothing less.

Consider Your Sexual Function

If you’re the type of guy who needs a concrete reason for anything you do, consider sexual function. The right sex toys enhance and improve your ability to get an erection, stay hard, and get off. No, you don’t have to be diagnosed with erectile dysfunction to see these benefits either. Some studies show that orgasming regularly and massaging your prostate can help reduce your risk of prostate cancer or an enlarged prostate when you get older. And if you’re already older, regular orgasms and massage might reduce the size of your prostate.

Using sex toys might keep you sexually active longer while enhancing your pleasure. If you need a “reason,” that seems like a good one to us!


In a perfect world, no one, of any gender, would feel ashamed of their sexual pleasure or using sex toys. But we don’t live in that world, and too many guys think they shouldn’t “need” a sex toy. That it says something about their masculinity if they use a stroker or a prostate massager.

Adult toys are tools to enhance pleasure. They make you or a partner feel good and experience more stimulation. It’s as simple as that. If we get more comfortable talking about sex and pleasure, we can reduce those feelings of shame and everyone can have better sex — alone or with a partner.

Have you talked to your partner about using sex toys or masturbating more? Is it something you do in your own relationship? Share your experience down in the comments!

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