So, you and your partner have decided to give BDSM a whirl. You want a little taste and are excited about the possibilities of some heart-pounding, body-writhing, sensual pleasure. You have chosen dominance and submission as your “fun” of choice, but now that you have agreed, you realize you don’t necessarily know how to incorporate the power dynamic into your relationship. Sure, following orders is simple enough, but there has to be more than that if you want to enjoy yourself and get off to this erotic role play. Between sensual behavior and BDSM toys, there are a variety of ways to enhance the experience.
Not to worry! We’re here to give you the sexy scoop and share all about how to be a submissive partner to your dominant partner while still having some hot, pleasureful fun yourself. Now that you understand the answer to the question – “what is BDSM?” – it’s time to learn the top tips for how to BDSM as a submissive partner. So, come on, Subs! Let the erotic ecstasy begin!
What Is Sexual Submission?
Sexual submission is when you and your partner have established a consensual power exchange in the bedroom, and you agree to let them be in control of you. The dominant partner, or your Dom, will be in charge of dictating the pace of the BDSM scene, setting the rules, and directing your movements. Everyone’s activities are up to the dominant role. That means you, the submissive partner, are in charge of carrying out the tasks they assign you and following their rules of behavior.
Does Being a Submissive Mean You Are on the Bottom?
Not at all! In fact, dominance and submission don’t necessarily have to be sexual at all. If you and your partner have chosen this path, hopefully, you are into the fantasy of serving your partner and following their orders. If that isn’t something that appeals to you, you both might want to rethink your BDSM ideas.
You can be what is called a service top, meaning that you are the penetrating partner while still being submissive. The difference is that your partner dictates how fast you can thrust into them when you can orgasm, and your main goal is to service them. The top priority is satisfying your partner, and they will reward you for your efforts and submissiveness.
Set Your Boundaries and Stick to Them
Nothing kills the mood faster than uncertainty. If your partner has to spend all of their time continually monitoring you whenever they try something new, you both will become anxious, and it is difficult to enjoy yourself in the wake of that nervousness. So, before you start role playing, work out what you are willing to do and what you aren’t in a BDSM relationship. Be specific, and set boundaries.
If you are in the middle of a scene and your Dom orders you to do something, you don’t want that to be the moment you realize that you definitely do not want to engage in something. Keep in mind, you can withdraw your consent and change your mind at any time, but try your best to work things out before the scene starts, so you aren’t made uncomfortable, and everyone can stay safe and enjoy the sensual ride!
WARNING: If your Dom tries to pressure you into trying something that you are uncomfortable with, after previously establishing your boundaries, you need to stop the scene immediately. A Dom who isn’t willing to respect your boundaries or tries to change them is absolutely not a good partner for BDSM role play because you can’t trust them to keep you safe.
Don’t Be Afraid to Use Your Safe word
When you’re learning how to be a submissive to your dominant, your Dom is trusting you to know your limits and let them know if something starts to freak you out or hurt more than you expected. You both came up with a safe word for a reason, and you should never be afraid to use it. In fact, if you don’t use it, and then you end up having a panic attack or being in severe pain, your partner will lose trust in you. So, be confident that you know your body and your limits.
If your Dom always has to worry that they are pushing you beyond your limits and you won’t say anything, it will be hard for them to enjoy a scene, and they will be hesitant to engage with you in the future.
Accept the Control
The central aspect of this type of BDSM play is that your Dom is in control of the scene. Whatever the dominant role asks you to do, you do it with the proper amount of enthusiasm because it’s exciting to please them. It may sound sycophantic and strange at first, but it can also be a serious release to enter a space where you don’t have to do any thinking. You can completely lose yourself to the sensations of everything going on around you and activate your animal brain.
Some of this will depend on how much control you and your Dom establish before the BDSM scene starts. Obviously, simple things like breathing will be under your control, but a Dom will likely want to be in charge of when you orgasm, when you speak, how much you can move, what activities you engage in, and the general pace of the scene.
Ask for Permission
Asking for permission can be hot! If your Dom is a little hesitant or you both are still learning your roles, there is an easy way to establish further control: asking for permission. Especially when the scene is just beginning, and you both are a little awkward in starting, simply ask for permission to undress, to touch them, to touch yourself, or to lay down on the bed. You should also make sure to say “please” and “thank you.” Some Doms enjoy having a title such as Mistress, Sir, Ma’am, or Master. Let them be in complete control, and feel free to lose yourself in their sexy dominant behavior!
Show Your Desire to Please Your Partner
Just because you are playing the submissive role doesn’t mean you can’t be the brains of the operation. What better way to show your partner how committed you are to pleasing them than coming up with new things to try in the bedroom? When you go to your partner with new ideas after doing your research, they will likely reward you the next time they want to use you in a BDSM activity.
Try Out Role Play
It might be a little bit awkward when you first dive into submissive behavior, so suggest a few typical roles that you and your partner can try on for size. When you are pretending to be someone else, it is less embarrassing to follow orders or really lose yourself in the pleasurable sensations. If you are looking for a little bit of inspiration for typical roles to play, some possibilities include:
- Master and slave
- King and servant
- Captain and cabin boy
- Boss and employee
- Teacher and student
- Sergeant and private
Get Tied Up With Bondage
All tied up and loving it! Another popular way to immediately establish the power dynamics in the bedroom is with the different types of bondage. It is hard to misbehave when your arms are tied above your head. It may also help you drop into what is known as subspace, a mental state in which you completely lose yourself in the physical sensations and are erotically excited by following your Dom’s orders.
Just remember to follow the necessary safety precautions when using any kind of rope, tethers, or supplemental adult sex toys. You don’t want to end up with severely chafed wrists or have your limbs go to sleep. That loss of circulation can cause permanent damage, so if you are going to be tied down, find a position that doesn’t put too much stress on your joints, or agree with your partner that you will only be in that position for a short amount of time before switching it up.
Naughty girl (or boy)! If you want to test your partner’s resolve and make sure they are confident enough to make the power play scene work, start by immediately disobeying one of their rules. Remember, you should never disobey a direction that was made for you or your partner’s safety! But, if there is a rule that you are not allowed to touch yourself or that you have to stay in one position on the bed, try flipping yourself over and deliberately pleasuring yourself while your partner watches.
Alternatively, you could reposition yourself to show off your booty or spread your legs wide. Watch how your partner reacts. If they seem willing to let you take the lead, maybe you should switch roles and try being the Dom! However, this type of provocative behavior will likely lead to punishment. Your partner may give you a light spanking, withhold kisses for the rest of the session, pinch your nipples, or verbally punish you for being naughty.
That punishment can be a significant lead-in for the rest of the scene by setting the tone and firmly establishing each partner’s roles. Once everyone is comfortable in their roles, you don’t have to continue to disobey just to get your partner’s attention. In fact, depending on how seriously you both want to take the role-playing, it can become annoying to have a Sub who never follows the rules. Because let’s face it – isn’t that the whole reason you wanted to practice submission in the first place?
What If Your Partner Is Not a Dom?
If you’re just starting out, these are uncharted waters for both you and your partner. So, if you find that your partner just isn’t a Dom, that’s perfectly fine. You and your partner may have decided on your roles based on your fantasies, only to find that the reality is not quite as hot as you imagined. That is normal and completely healthy. You may decide that you would be a better Dom in the future or that dominance and submission just aren’t for you. That doesn’t mean that you can’t experiment with other aspects of BDSM play like bondage or masochism, but it might mean that you and your partner are most satisfied when you have an equal playing field, and everyone has a say in your pleasure-seeking bouts.
Time to Give In & Get Off
Are you all hot, bothered, and ready to go? If you and your partner have been thinking about practicing the dominance and submission aspects of a BDSM relationship, these are some great tips to remember when you both are first starting out and trying to find your power footing. It can be a little challenging to stay in-character when you’re first learning how to be a submissive to your dominant, but if you can stop yourself from laughing and follow your Dom’s orders, you will quickly find that you both can have some “naughty and nice” erotic fun in the bedroom, by the fireplace, or on the dining room table. It’s all up to your Dom! So, feel free to please, pleasure and serve your partner in every way!